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Colin Cowherd’s Inexcusable Hysterical Error

I love Colin Cowherd for his extraordinary sports talk style, especially for his phenomenally superior rhetorical artistry whenever he explains his theories, with the purpose of orienting his listeners towards understanding the big picture narratives that motivate and guide the key decision makers in the sports world.

Frankly I see Cowherd as a role model for my own sports commentary. Nonetheless I must roast Cowherd for his most recent incident of egregiously embarrassing baseball ignorance. Now it’s time for my emergency edition of Cowherd’s iconic accountability segment, “Where Colin Was Right. Where Colin Was Wrong.”

Day after day, we witness the grand spectacle of Cowherd majestically holding court in his studio; Cowherd engages storytelling to psychoanalyze athletes, coaches, front offices, team owners, league executives, and virtually every party in the sports universe, occasionally even referees. But today, in a twist of delicious irony, I’m commandeering the narrative to turn the glaring spotlight onto the Oracle of Athletics himself.

Make sure you are sitting down to absorb the shock of the magnitude of Cowherd’s bewildering baseball misconception. Because Cowherd committed such a severely brazen blunder, the truth sounds like a parody by “The Babylon Bee” or “South Park.” If Cowherd hadn’t said this live on the air, you’d plausibly suspect he was the victim of a vicious smear campaign by Skip Bayless.

Recently Cowherd bloviated aggressively in support of his hot take on the potential trade market for two-way superstar Shohei Ohtani. Cowherd heartily recommended that MLB teams should eagerly mortgage 5 years of first round draft picks to acquire Ohtani. Cowherd foolishly made the blind assumption that MLB teams are as free to use draft picks as trade capital as NFL and NBA teams. In reality, the rules covering the trading of draft picks are dramatically different for MLB in contrast to NFL and NBA. Major League Baseball expressly forbids teams from trading their own draft picks. The only exceptions to this blanket ban are competitive balance draft picks. Because competitive balance draft picks are awarded via a different formula and selected later during each draft, they are valued far below the prime picks that teams are prohibited from trading anyway.

Cowherd would have been well within his established role if he had decided to argue a case for changing MLB rules governing draft picks. But that is not at all how the man used his airtime. Instead, Cowherd chose to foolishly assume the MLB draft functioned in the way that best suited his predetermined position. Thus Cowherd embarrassingly exemplified the proverb that “When you assume, you make an ass of you and me.”

Come on man, Cowherd your literal day job is talking intelligently about sports to a national audience. I know you’re primarily an NFL guy, so maybe these vivid illustrations will get through to you. The next time Aaron Rodgers invites you to try some of his Ayahuasca right before you broadcast live, do us all a favor and just say no. Someone with your extremely enviable career status basically has to try on purpose to fail in such a spectacularly horrifying manner. Spectacularly horrifying is the same phrase I’d use to describe Jason Pierre-Paul exploding his own hand with his fireworks.

Cowherd, you had one job, to know at least as much about MLB as an avid little league kid. Legends on Deck faithful, I guarantee you that if our friend Brian Koss were to ask his young son George, then George would correctly discern Cowherd’s dumb rookie mistake. Hey Cowherd, are you smarter than a not-yet-fifth-grader?

Especially consider the context where Cowherd focuses much of his show, on themes involving “player mobility” and the business of sports. Cowherd coined his “player mobility” favorite talking point so distinctively that he really should file a trademark and sell T-shirts. Therefore it’s hilariously absurd he got such a simple fact about player mobility so astoundingly wrong.

Just as pitching legends suffer rare occasions of uncharacteristically getting shelled, Cowherd the sports commentary legend occasionally experiences a bad day at the office. In both situations, the painfully ugly results are broadcast live to the public in real time. Contrasted against Cowherd’s often accurate, insightful narratives on football and basketball, this particular comment on baseball was a wild pitch that cut through his usually authoritative expert persona like a fastball straight to the ego.

Jeremy Cerone is a lifelong baseball fan. As a native Philadelphian, he was born and raised as a Phillies fan. He played second base as a kid, even before Chase Utley made it cool. Later, in college, he adopted the Yankees as his American League team. The Phillies remain securely as his first love in baseball. Sports journalism and commentary have fascinated him since childhood. If Mars fielded a baseball team and played the Atlanta Braves, Jeremy would openly cheer for the Martians.

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