Los Angeles – Newly acquired Dodgers Co-Co-Co-Co-Co Ace Tarik Skubal met with reporters in front of his locker today to discuss his impending free agency.
“I think it will be a really fun and exciting process,” said Skubal. “There’s a wide world of possibilities as to where my career takes me next.”
When questioned if there were any teams who would not be in the running to acquire his services this upcoming winter, Skubal painted a rosy picture of inclusion, so long as the teams in question met certain criteria:
“Oh no, I think any team can sign me, and they all have an equal opportunity, specifically if they wear blue uniforms, are located approximately 34°03′N latitude and 118°15′W longitude with the Pacific Ocean to their west and mountain ranges to the north and east, and are owned by a multi-national conglomerate that – while not richer than God – is probably rich enough to buy out the title of ‘devil,’ and are the most hated franchise in all of baseball. So yeah, I’d say everyone has a shot…”
Skubal’s agent, Scott Boras, reached out for comment, though nobody asked him; in an email blast to all his favorite baseball reporters, a list made up exclusively of Jon Heyman, the Angel Hernandez of Agents, had this to say:
“To anyone who says Skubal has made up his mind already, I just want to let you know that you’re Tariking me up inside; such an insinuation is nothing more than Dodging the issue at hand; anyone who says this is collusion is crusin’ for a bruisin!’ You don’t have to go Skubal-diving to get to the bottom of this mystery!”
The Dodgers are currently seeking the first three-peat in baseball since the New York Yankees did so from 1998-2000, a feat which, should they accomplish it, will totally be as legitimate a three-peat as when the Bronx Bombers did it, and won’t in any way lead to a lockdown in order to install a salary cap.
Totally. Yeah.
